You Can Pick Up Your Relationship Baggage at Carousel 6
My first boyfriend taught me how to conform to the expectations everyone else had of my life and myself.
My second boyfriend taught me how to be defensive, how to argue, how to expect to fight.
My third boyfriend taught me how to keep my mouth shut, how to forget everything I needed and be on his timetable.
With these kinds of lessons, it's easy to see why I'm having a hard time processing the first no-drama, no-hidden meanings, most low-maintenance (ok, only low-maintenance) relationship I have ever been in. For the first time in my life, I don't have to force anything, don't have to figure out my next move, don't have to worry about how to make my schedule match his, because I know that at some point, it's just going to. We'll manage to find time for each other.
This is a hard thing for me to accept. We (I) bitch and moan about wanting effortless, fall-into-place, no-drama relationships, and yet when they jump up and bite you (me) on the nose, we (I) don't know what else to do with all the free time except try to figure out what could possibly be wrong.
How the hell do you leave baggage and expectations of past relationships in the past and start new with a clean slate? It's a waste of time comparing this to all the things in the past that didn't work out, but I'm listening to myself invent things that aren't there, just because it seems more "normal" to have a relationship with drama. Why can't I accept that this actually might just fit?
Because, actually... it really does. Hmm. Maybe that's what scares me.
My second boyfriend taught me how to be defensive, how to argue, how to expect to fight.
My third boyfriend taught me how to keep my mouth shut, how to forget everything I needed and be on his timetable.
With these kinds of lessons, it's easy to see why I'm having a hard time processing the first no-drama, no-hidden meanings, most low-maintenance (ok, only low-maintenance) relationship I have ever been in. For the first time in my life, I don't have to force anything, don't have to figure out my next move, don't have to worry about how to make my schedule match his, because I know that at some point, it's just going to. We'll manage to find time for each other.
This is a hard thing for me to accept. We (I) bitch and moan about wanting effortless, fall-into-place, no-drama relationships, and yet when they jump up and bite you (me) on the nose, we (I) don't know what else to do with all the free time except try to figure out what could possibly be wrong.
How the hell do you leave baggage and expectations of past relationships in the past and start new with a clean slate? It's a waste of time comparing this to all the things in the past that didn't work out, but I'm listening to myself invent things that aren't there, just because it seems more "normal" to have a relationship with drama. Why can't I accept that this actually might just fit?
Because, actually... it really does. Hmm. Maybe that's what scares me.
posted by Lily @ 11:05 PM
2 Comments:
At 10:18 AM,
Paul said…
The past is a bitch, but you can't do anything about it. I really don't think that there are people out there who have not been in (or the cause of) a bad relationship. But there are matches out there that work out well enough that your baggage doesn't matter so much anymore. You can forget what has happened and realize that you are so alike or fit so well together that you actually won't have drama. Eff drama. Don't let yourself over-think all this.
I've found that the best thing to do is to ignore all of the little voices in your head that try to make things more difficult than they need to be. If you are both happy, then you don't need to have a single thought running through your head. Go with the flow and let whatever happens happen.
At 10:36 AM,
Lily said…
AMEN.
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